An Exceedingly Strange Presidential Campaign
The Onion, a satirical magazine and website, frequently contains “stories” that are simply hilarious. The day after the New Hampshire primary, it published a Photoshopped image of a dejected Jeb Bush sitting on the ground, his back against a mud-spattered concrete block wall. The headline: “Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs to New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic.”
The headline cracked me up before I even got to the story. The lede (that’s how we newspaper folks spell it): Plunging into a downward spiral of despair and self-doubt after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses, a demoralized Jeb Bush reportedly succumbed this week to New Hampshire’s ongoing heroin epidemic.
If you have never partaken of the Onion and need a laugh or three, visit the onion.com. Today’s top story: “Obama Resigns from Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job in Seattle.”
Now, I know at least a few you reading that wish it were true. Just remember two words: Joe Biden. Actually, I like Joe Biden. He has handled great tragedies in his life with grace and courage. I’m just reminding those who want Obama gone that good ol’ Joe would succeed him.
At one debate, Chris Christie (who dropped out the day after New Hampshire) bizarrely claimed he was going to kick Obama out of the White House. No, the 22nd amendment to the Constitution will handle that quite nicely. As of Jan. 20, 2017, no matter who is elected, he will be former President Obama. Christie’s statement was one of the dumbest of a campaign filled with outrageous assertions.
To say that this has been a strange presidential campaign so far is as understated as noting that Donald Trump has the World’s Largest Comb-Over. He does, hands down. He also won the Republican primary rather decisively in my native state, noted for its cantankerous and unpredictable citizens. I know. I am related to a few of them — aunts, uncles and cousins. I have no need to know which candidate won their favor Tuesday night.
My late mother was famously cantankerous, downright ornery at times. I say that with love and wish she were still around to give me her two cents about this election. She was an atypical Granite Stater in that she would flat tell you her opinion. I suspect she would think Trump was a do-do brain, a favorite expression. She probably would not like Hillary either, just because she has been the heavy favorite from the get-go. She might have gone for Bernie Sanders, the first Jewish person to win a presidential primary. I am also betting that he is the first Democratic Socialist to win a primary as well.
Bernie’s convincing win over Hillary did not surprise me. Nor did Trump’s victory. As I said, New Hampshire residents by and large are a contrary lot. Many times they have confounded the establishment pols. They propelled Jimmy Carter into the top tier over better-known candidates in 1976. Bill Clinton finished a surprising second in 1992, salvaging a campaign marred by sex scandals. Obama finished a close second to Hillary in 2008, breathing oxygen into his race. On the Republican side, Pat Buchanan beat Bob Dole in 1996, though Dole ended up as the nominee.
Like Iowa, New Hampshire’s electorate does not reflect what most of America looks like. The state is 94 percent white, according to the Census. Its median household income at nearly $65,000 is nearly 20 percent higher than the national average. And well, they live in New Hampshire, where Manchester with 110,000 is the largest city, and the capital, Concord (in whose hospital I was born), is a little larger than Lufkin at 42,000. The entire state’s population is less than the Austin metro area. People who live in New Hampshire take great pride in having the first true presidential contest in the nation. (Sorry, Iowa’s caucus strikes me as lame. Just vote, for goodness’ sake.)
I take pride in it as well, and have made a vow to physically be present at the next primary, probably 10 days in advance. I want to roam my native state, to which I try to return every August, be a fly on the wall as candidates vie for attention among an electorate more uniquely attuned to retail politics than anywhere in the country. After all, the state legislature, called the General Court of New Hampshire, has 400 members in the House and another 24 in the Senate. That is one rep for every 3,500 residents. You can’t go to the state-run liquor store — another quirk — without running into a legislator. Unfortunately, it is doubtful the 2020 primary will be as interesting as this one. Wish I had planned ahead.
Like most pundits, I figure Trump is going to flame out and this was his moment of glory. I am not so sure about Bernie. The one thing The Donald and Bernie have in common is an interesting way of saying yuge, which in the rest of the country is pronounced with an “h” sound.
I have a 1975 N.H. license plate on my study’s mantle, which I bought at a yard sale in Concord a few decades ago. It sports the state’s “Live Free or Die” slogan. I have always loved that slogan, even though it has been co-opted by wacko survivalist-types and white supremacists.
I guess it’s because I am from New Hampshire, and inherited some of my mother’s cantankerousness. And, no, I am not going to tell you how I plan to vote in the Texas primary.
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