Surveying the Situation
If I wished, I could make a full-time job out of taking surveys, not that it pays terribly well. My wireless carrier wants me to fill one out after keeping me on hold for 30 minutes — before walking me through figuring out why suddenly I can’t log online to pay my bill. Our auto insurance carrier asked me to fill out a customer satisfaction survey, after I filed a claim for a minor fender bender in our driveway. Once after eating at a Mexican restaurant chain in Tyler, the waitress pleaded for me to go online and fill out a survey. I could win $5,000, she exclaimed! So I went online and filled out the Survey From Mexican Food Inferno. I didn’t realize there existed so many ways to describe the experience of consuming an enchilada or refried beans.
A few months ago, I kept getting calls on my cell phone from a phone number in Seattle. When I would answer a recorded message would ask me to take a survey and promise that if I did so I would win a three-day cruise. I would promptly hang up each time.
“Hang up.” Now there’s an anachronism. You don’t really “hang up” a cell phone. In the case of my iPhone, you simply slide your thumb across the glass. I also find myself saying, “Can you hold the line?’ Again, there is no line. We don’t have a land line anymore. But that doesn’t keep me from saying it.
OK, back on topic. The automated caller was persistent. After a dozen or so attempts, I caved and pressed whatever button allowed the survey to proceed. Turns out it was politically oriented and clearly aimed at supporting a conservative cause or candidate, though it never identified what or whom. The questions were quite slanted, so I did my contrarian best to answer in as left-wing a manner as possible. If the questions had been leaning to the left, I would have posed as a red-meat eating redneck. I was just annoyed by the harassing phone calls by that point, regardless of political affiliation.
The survey was mercifully brief. The automated voice said I would now be connected to a cruise specialist. I was still skeptical but willing to stay on the line and not hang up. An actual human came on board and said, “So, are you here to learn about the free cruise for which you are now eligible?”
Feeling a bit smart-alecky, I replied, “Allegedly.”
My iPhone did that “boop-boop-boop” sound, which indicates the call has ended. I had been dumped, despite having taken the survey against both my will and better judgment. I guess the fellow didn’t appreciate my responses. No cruise for us. That’s OK. I would rather eat glass and wash it down with bleach than go on a cruise anyhow. Been there, done that. That is one life experience I don’t plan on repeating. I just wanted to see if a cruise was actually going to be offered after all the aggravating unsolicited phone calls. That was the last unsolicited call I received from the Seattle survey folks.
The Big Box Stores where I regularly wander the aisles in search of home improvement items offer shopping sprees if I will fill out the survey. By now the clerks are so tired of making the pitch to customers that they just circle the survey’s website address at the bottom of the receipt and hand it to you.
Here are the Top Three Surveys I Hope To Never Have To Fill Out:
1) Please tell us about your recent colonoscopy experience.
2) You were ticketed recently for speeding in our lovely town of Malakoff, gateway to well, not much of anything. Please take a few moment to tell us about your interaction with Officer Barney Fife. This will not reduce your fine, but you will be entered into a drawing to win a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese at the Malakoff McDonalds. Fries are extra.
3) Finally, you recently filled out a 45-minute survey for us. Would you mind taking a few more minutes to fill out a survey to tell us about your experience filling out that survey so that we can do a better job in the future creating surveys that are even more intrusive and annoying?
It is coming. I know it is.
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